Reading Between the Exes: What They Say About Them, They’ll Say About You

There’s a moment in new relationships that feels like flipping through someone’s emotional yearbook—the “ex-files.” The stories come out, and while you listen for understanding, you’re also scanning for patterns. One man shared story after story, each ex painted with disappointment. Not a single word of growth, no signs of grace, and certainly no accountability. And when I asked him how he supported his insecure ex-wife, his silence spoke louder than the blame he’d rehearsed. That’s when I realized—what they say about them, they’ll say about you. It’s not just history; it’s a forecast.

That chapter in every budding relationship where the past walks in. It's usually dressed as casual conversation, it turns into something heavier—a glimpse of how someone views accountability, compassion, and emotional maturity. And the way he spoke of his past lovers? It rang like a warning bell.

Every relationship leaves something behind. The real question is whether they unpacked the experience or are still living inside it. If every story is a complaint, where’s the healing?

Not one redeeming word. I remember sitting across from a man, finally diving into that relationship checkpoint: past partners. He spoke with certainty, but not grace. One by one, he listed exes with discontent: the insecure ex-wife, another ex, clearly someone with compassion, was described as “controlling” and “too focused on her child.”, then another one who "didn’t want to be" married anymore. There was no compassion in his recounting. Not one kind word. Not a trace of personal responsibility. No hint of personal growth. Just criticism. And I noticed something deeper… not once did he speak of what he had done to help or how he may have contributed to the emotional climate.

Listening with emotional discernment

At one point, I asked him directly,

“What did you do to help her overcome that?”

He had nothing.

That silence said more than his stories ever could.

Then the mirror flipped.   Suddenly, we were no longer talking about his exes. We were talking about me. Or rather, what’s wrong with me now—from his lens. And the way he spoke? It echoed the same tone: critical, disappointed, void of solution or ownership.

His words exposed a pattern—not just in his past but in how he showed up with me. When challenges surfaced between us, his tone shifted to blame. His communication defaulted to arguments. There were no solutions offered, no emotional presence, and no standards guiding his behavior. I realized that I wasn’t just watching history—I was living the sequel. As tensions surfaced in our relationship, I saw the same script unfolding. Criticism with no self-reflection. Argumentative communication. Zero standards. No effort to nurture or resolve—just disappointment.

 If someone’s entire narrative around past relationships is laced with blame and bitterness... they’re not retelling a story. They’re rehearsing a script they’ll perform in the next one.

How someone talks about their exes isn’t casual—it’s a compass. It points to how they process accountability, how they hold others emotionally, and whether they believe relationships are a shared journey or a personal performance. Because if they never learned to speak life into someone they once loved...what indication do you have that they’ll learn with you?

And that’s when the lesson hit me:

🎯 Lesson 1: Emotional Storytelling Reveals Emotional Maturity

If every ex is painted as a villain, you're not dating a truth-teller—you're dating someone who hasn’t healed. The way people tell their stories is often how they justify their actions and avoid accountability.

🧠 Lesson 2: Silence Speaks When Empathy Is Absent

The inability to name even one moment of compassion or growth shows a lack of emotional presence. If someone can't reflect on the past with ownership, they won’t build a future with intention.

🔍 Lesson 3: What They Say About Them, They’ll Say About You

Eventually, that lens they used on their exes turns toward you. If you hear contempt and blame early on, pay attention—it’s likely the same script will be read back to you when the honeymoon period fades.

New relationships come with stories. But those stories are maps. You’ve got to read between the exes—not just to understand someone’s past, but to protect your own future. Because someone’s words about who came before you? They’re not just memories. They’re previews.

So here’s my final thought: When you meet someone new and they start opening the “ex-files,” don’t just listen to what happened—listen to how they speak about it. Because the way they tell their story isn’t just about them. It’s predictive. And eventually, you’ll become the next chapter.

Have you ever caught a red flag mid-conversation? What was your “pause” moment that made you see clearly?   Share your story in the comments below—let’s keep the dialogue honest, insightful, and empowering.

If this post resonated, go back and revisit Soft Hearts Don’t Equal Soft Boundaries to build your boundary toolkit with grace. And when you're ready to take that self-awareness beyond reflection—into confident action—explore how Keyola Consultants can support your journey. Whether it's redefining your narrative, reclaiming your power, or showing up with clarity in your personal or professional life, we’re here to help you lead with purpose.